Do you know the saying, “You don't know what you have until it's gone?”
I didn't think I would ever miss the loud music and arguments. Yet, standing in the middle of the messy living room in a deafening silence, my heart felt so heavy and constricted. Looking around, everything was the same. The banjo still rested on its stand in the corner. The small table in the middle of the room was littered with cigarette butts and ashes on a tray. Where was I even supposed to start? It took years for this house to be filled with everything that made it home. And now I'm supposed to pack it all into black trash bags?
His bedroom, which was connected to the living room, didn't have a door. Instead, a curtain of blue beads hung on the doorway that I pushed to the side as I walked in. I slid my fingers across the mirrored wardrobe to the left of the entrance, where many infant photos of myself were placed between the mirror and the wood frame. His room, like the rest of the house, was messy. At the moment, though, it wasn't something I thought of. On the contrary, I wish he was here to make more of a mess so that I could argue with him on how he should clean up occasionally.
There were three bookshelves, all filled with vinyl. I knew the vinyls in his room weren't his only ones. There were crates in the living room filled with vinyls of different music genres. It was no secret that he loved music. There wasn't a day when this house wasn't filled with him strumming on strings or his music playing loudly through the speakers that lined the wall by the fireplace, cigarette smoke filling your lungs as you inhaled. There was always a lively atmosphere, even if it was a bit hectic most of the time.
As I sorted through his vinyl collection, I thought about how I will play the same music he did and just as loudly through my room. I'll dance and sing to the lyrics of his favorite songs. Maybe I'll cry, but I won't let myself be miserable. He was such a special light in my life, and although his light has diminished, mine will shine even brighter thanks to his lasting presence in my life.
I'll keep his vinyl as my most precious treasure, just like it was his.
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